Mommy Rodeo

2 Sep

I have two words for you: Mommy. Rodeo.

 

And one question: Why doesn’t this exist?

 

Seriously. Think of how awesome this would be.

 

-Event 1: Baby Wranglin’  In this event Mamas are required to bathe a baby -preferably one who has been specifically bred to kick violently, just like in bull ridin’- in a bathroom in which all of the bathing supplies have mysteriously been covered with Crisco and hidden. The baby will probably be rubbed down with Crisco, too, for good measure. After the baby is bathed, the Mama has to dry, lotion, diaper, and dress the little darling. 8 second time limit. Extra points if the baby pukes and has to have a new outfit.

 

-Event 2: Lunch Makin’  This one requires Moms to make Kraft Mac’n’Cheese while cleaning up spilled dog water and simultaneously singing to the baby who Will. Not. Stop. Crying. 10 minutes. Extra points if no lyrics get skipped because of the whining older sibling. Extra extra points if the song is “Call Me Maybe.”

 

-Event 3: Bedtime Routine  Mama has to nurse a wiggly baby while reading “Fancy Nancy” and getting a visual location on one or more loveys. No time limit, but extra points if it gets done before 9:30.

 

-Event 4: Showering  The challenge here lies in the fact that the mother has to realize in the middle of loading the dishwasher that, ack!, the kids are napping and this is the only opportunity she has to shower. She must then race to the shower, side-step the bath toys without slipping, and bathe her entire body. Time limit: as long as the young ‘uns will sleep…mwuahahaha! Extra points for even considering shaving her legs.

 

-Event 5: Nighttime Navigation  The object of this event is to successfully navigate a completely dark bedroom to get to a crying child in another room. Imagine Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment, but instead of dodging lasers you have to dodge piles of dirty laundry, toys with wheels, and the occasional dirty diaper all while avoiding the other sleeping inhabitants of the room. Time Limit: 8 seconds. Deductions for waking up bed fellows. Extra points for creatively whispered swear words.

 

-Event 6: Sunday Go to Meetin’  This is a team event involving both Moms and Dads. Duos are required to sleep through an alarm, wake up panicked and attempt to ready the family to attend church services. They must complete the following tasks withing the thirty minute time limit and in no particular order: burn toast, make coffee but not drink it, coax the toddler into appropriate church wear, locate matching shoes for the entire family, locate car keys, struggle with car seats, forget the diaper bag at home, forget to put snacks/toys in the diaper bag, apply makeup in the car. Extra points may be earned if the children’s hair requires brushing and/or braiding. Extra extra points may be earned if the father is able to resist his urge to shake the frazzled mother back into a semi-logical state. Even more points are available if the family makes it to church before the first hymn is finished.

 

 

Event 7: Potty Racin’  This is a good one, my personal favorite these days. In this event you have to take the two-year-old, who refuses to give any verbal cues, to the potty. The contestant must race the child into the house, pants them, perch them on the potty and pray to the Good Lord that they actually go. 2 minute time limit. Extra points awarded to Moms of children who go in their pants immediately after having the opportunity to go on the potty.

 

I could go on and on.

 

Other possible events are “Poo or Chocolate?” and “Blog Postin'” in which you must complete a blog post with a child sitting on your shoulders.

 

I think this could really take off.

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8 Responses to “Mommy Rodeo”

  1. Ashley Stroud September 2, 2012 at 9:52 am #

    you are hilarious!!!! soooo true!! You should write a book!!!

    • ohblessyourheart September 2, 2012 at 10:01 am #

      Haha…Thanks, friend! Your baby girl is absolutely gorgeous, by the way!

  2. Haley @ Carrots for Michaelmas September 2, 2012 at 10:23 am #

    too funny!

  3. Granny September 3, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    I remember the day when I could “rodeo” with the best of them, but now I need a pretty big handicap. It’s amazing how out of shape a rodeo-er can get. But, I still like to keep my hand in from time to time. Of course, at my age and weight it’s a little more like barrel racing! But, it’s still fun!

  4. Jan's sister - Julie September 4, 2012 at 10:31 pm #

    Thank you! You make me laugh every time I read! I love that you write the real life truth of parenting with light-heartedness and humor. It gives me a new perspective that is much needed! God bless!

    • ohblessyourheart September 5, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

      Oh, I’m so glad you’re enjoying it! We mamas gotta stick together and get a laugh out of all this at the very least! Blessings to you, too!!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Happy Blog-aversary!! | ohblessyourheart - February 24, 2016

    […] Baby Rodeo – All the way from 2012, here’s a good ‘un. I still think this should be a thing. Also, I’m open to any other event suggestions! […]

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