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War Crimes

21 Apr

I like to tell my kids this is a benevolent dictatorship…and I kind of run a communist style ship around here, if I’m being honest. Everybody shares everything, too bad if you don’t like it, no soup for you, I’m not sorry.

 

So, seeing as I’m basically my family’s Vladimir Putin and all, I thought I’d take a little time to charge some folks for some war crimes. As one does.

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Maggie, age 6

 

Charged with Inciting Panic. You know that hour right after dinner when you’re completely exhausted from being an adult all day and the act of pretending like you’ve got your life together is really taking its toll? You know…it’s the hour when you feel as though all the life blood has been sucked from your body by a parasite and you’re about to fall into an unbathed pile of exhaustion. This is the hour in which she strikes. She will sneakily lure unsuspecting younger siblings to the stairs and whisper potty jokes to them, convincing them that screaming “poopy diaper head” in the faces of your dinner guests is a good idea. She will laugh maniacally while forcing you to listen to yet another knock-knock joke. Under the guise of entertaining her little brother, she will start a game of “chase” in which someone most certainly will be tripped and maimed. She will insist on leading the others in illegal games of “jump all over the damn couch even though Mom told us eight thousand times not to” and “let’s all violently wrestle until Lily’s hair gets pulled and she shrieks like a banshee.”

 

 

Lily, age 3 

 

Charged with Harassment and Stalking. She’s kind of the least offender because I truly believe that her intentions are pure…but she’s always there. She’ll demand to help with every single task ever of all time. Have some strong chemicals you want to clean with? She’ll pour. Have a sharp knife you’d like to chop with? She’ll show you how it’s done. Have some detailed sewing to be done? She’ll hold the needles. Have to finish your taxes? She’ll file ’em for ya. Have some sleep you’d like to get? She’s in your bed. However, if you actually ask her to help with a task she’s so uninterested it’s not even funny. Chores to be done? Nah, she’ll sit an observe the other fools and cry rather than comply.

 

Also, she’s an accessory to every other crime committed. She’s not usually the mastermind (…yet. Kid’s brilliant, so once she realizes her powers I have no doubt that she’ll use them for evil), but she’s usually coerced into helping, so we’ll let her off with a lighter sentence and call it good.

 

 

Everett, age 2

 

Charged with Aggravated Assault. Even his hugs hurt. Gentlemen visiting our home are advised to wear an athletic cup in order to protect themselves from the colossal skull that will crush their testicles approximately ninety-seven times during their visit. Also, watch for flying dump trucks being launched down the stairs, blocks torpedoed toward faces, and strategically placed Hot Wheels that were definitely not under your feet a second ago, but most certainly are under your feet now that you’re carrying a lot of stuff. The perpetrator has been known to climb basically anything with an elevation of…off the ground. So, watch for falling boys, as well.

Also, while we’re at it, let’s charge him with Indecent Exposure and Disorderly Conduct. You know, for good measure. And ’cause he never wears pants.

 

Remy, age 8 months

Charged with Disturbing the Peace. Bro doesn’t sleep. Or rather, he sleeps, but only long enough to give you the illusion that you’re going to be able to get something done. He’ll nap juuuust long enough for you to get right into the deep disgusting middle of finally cleaning out the refrigerator and then he strikes. It basically goes on like that ad nauseam.

 

Alright, so that’s my legal work done for the day. Time to go dole out punishments! Mwuahahahaha!

Holy Week! And a Passion Play Set for Kids!

23 Mar

I hope your Holy Week is going well! Easter is my favorite holiday forever of all time. Add to that the fact that the kids are old enough to really start grasping the story and I’m just really excited to share it with them.

 

I did a little Pinterest hunting (you can follow me here if you’d like) and found some really great Holy Week activities to do with little ones. We’re going to attempt a foot washing mini-service with some of our best friends on Thursday, we’ll do hot cross buns on Friday, and watch Prince of Egypt on Netflix a few times this week.

 

I managed to put together a Passion play set for the kids the other day and they’ve really liked it. (Former children’s librarian talking here…giving kids tools to tell stories is so good for early literacy. Narrative skills help with vocabulary development, drawing conclusions, and story comprehension, so story play sets of any kind are great to have around!)

 

Anyway, I thought I’d share the links I found to be helpful and the pictures of our play set in case anybody else wanted to make one!

 

I got most of my inspiration from these two blog posts:

When You Rise – preschool activities for Holy Week

When You Rise – Passion story telling set

Because I’m both classy and Catholic I thought it was only fitting to make the tomb of our Savior out of an old Dos Equis box. Other than that, I used paper and had the kids color the scene with markers to finish out the tomb.

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You can sort of also see that the tomb has a trap door to make the Resurrection possible. The kids LOVED showing their daddy that the tomb was empty!

 

For Golgotha, I used an old flower pot turned upside down and some sticks and fake moss from Maggie’s Fairy Princess birthday party the other day. I chose the flower pot because it looked like a hill, but also because it has a drain hole that Jesus’ cross could easily fit into. Eventually I’m hoping we’ll be able to act out all of the stations of the cross, so it was important that Jesus would be able to “carry” his cross. I had some old kabob skewers lying around, so I used rubber bands and the skewers to make the crosses.

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I found an old peg doll that makes the perfect Jesus. I sewed him a little outfit, used some fabric scraps for burial cloths and we were good!

 

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So, there you go! Anybody else have good links or ideas for Holy Week with kids? I’m always interested in hearing what other families do to celebrate. 🙂

Happy Almost-Easter!

Mary Susan

How to do Disney with Small Children

22 Mar

Okay, friends, here’s my Disney How-To post at long last! So, I’ve geared my info/advice toward those traveling with small kids because that’s my most recent experience and my particular area of expertise. Obviously, if you don’t have small children, ignore the parts about breastfeeding and naps and carry on.

 

Here we go!

 

 

Go Ahead, Take ‘Em When They’re Young – Everyone always says they want to wait to take their kids to Disney until they’re old enough to remember it. I get it, Disney is expensive. But kids 3 and under are free…so go ahead and take ’em when they’re young if you want. In my opinion, I don’t think a trip is any less valuable if my kid doesn’t remember every single detail in a few years. Did we have fun in the moment? Did we enjoy each other at the time? Did the entire family have a good time? Do I remember how cute they looked riding Dumbo with their wispy baby hair blowing in the breeze? If the answer is yes, then I’m cool. Now, you may differ on this if you’re only going to go to Disney World one time in your whole entire life. But if you’re like us and you know you’re probably going to be back at some point, just go ahead and take the babes.

 

 

Do it Big – If you’re going to go to Disney, my suggestion is to do it big. Go into it knowing that it’s going to be expensive. Trust me, the convenience is worth your money. Disney has a reputation for making things super convenient for guests. They’ve thought of everything, and while it might cost a little more money, take advantage of it. It truly makes for an awesome vacation. Disney isn’t cheap. I know that there are cheaper ways to do it, and if that’s your thing, go for it. But, in our experience, it just made for a better experience if we budgeted a lot of money ahead of time, paid for as much in advance as we could, and didn’t stress about money once we got there. Mickey Premiums for everyone!!

And speaking of snacks, go ahead and get the meal plan. This lets you prepay for all of your meals and it truly makes feeding a horde of toddlers a lot easier.It’s just one less thing for you to think about. You’ll get two quick service meals, one sit-down meal, and a snack per ticketed person per day. That’s a lot. You can also use it however you’d like. So, in our situation, we didn’t buy a ticket for Everett, so he technically wasn’t covered under the meal plan. But we could use an extra kid’s meal every day for him if we wanted to and then split our sit-down meals into extra quick-service meals or snacks later on. Basically, it’s fairly flexible and it was plenty of food for errabody. (Edited to add: There are a few different choices as far as the dining plan goes, this was just the option we chose. Make sure you check out all the different meal plans when you book your fantastic vacay!)

As far as where to eat, the one place we think is not to be missed is Whispering Canyon at the Wilderness Lodge. Aside from the fact that it’s located in my favorite resort, this place is SO fun. They have stick ponies that the kids get to ride around and there are lots of surprise shenanigans I won’t spoil here. Basically, if you can handle a joke and like a big breakfast, this is your spot. We love it!

Stay on property. The Disney resorts have amazing amenities and buses will take you wherever you need to be. If you’re flying, they’ll pick you up from the airport and drop your bags at your room for you. AND you can check your bags and get your boarding passes right at the resort, when it’s time to leave.

Stay for a week. It’s probably still not enough time to do everything but I think a week is the right amount of time to get the most out of an experience without pushing your kids too far. A week gives you time to spend at least one day at each park and then a couple of extra days to go back and redo the things you loved or pick up stuff you missed.

 

Don’t Do Everything – A huge part of our culture is consumed by Fear of Missing Out. We’re also ruled by scarcity, that feeling that there’s never enough time, money, whatever. If you let yourself be sucked into these mindsets, your Disney trip will suck. Say it with me, “I don’t have to do everything in order to have a good time.” Y’all, it is physically impossible to do everything that the Disney parks and resorts offer in one vacation…unless by “vacation” you mean, “I’m moving to Disney World and living there for five years.” It’s just not doable. So, borrow from Brene Brown and write yourself a permission slip. Yes, physically write a slip that says “I give myself permission to not do everything at Disney.”

On our trip we did not see fireworks once. Not one time. Also, we didn’t meet Mickey Mouse. Or the princesses. Nope. We certainly didn’t. Were those things that we kinda wanted to do? Sure. But doing those things was not worth pushing our children or ourselves to the point of absolute misery. It just didn’t work out and that’s okay.

Before your trip, make a list of your must-do’s, your maybe’s, and your whatever’s. Book your fastpasses for the things that you’re absolutely dying to do and then let. it. go. Some days in the parks just don’t play out the way you think they will. Sometimes attractions are closed, shows get cancelled, kids/parents meltdown, lines are long, lunch takes more time than you anticipated…whatever. Just release yourself from the idea that you have to do everything and be flexible. I promise you’ll have a lot more fun.

 

Be Kind – On our first full day on vacation we witnessed a woman freak out on her husband and in-laws at the bus stop. Her father-in-law accidentally told the bus driver that they were taking another bus. I’m not going to pass judgement on this girl. I’m sure she had put in months of planning, weeks of packing and organizing, and had dealt with whiny kids and long breakfast lines that morning. Also, we all know it’s hard to travel with a big group. But, guys, it completely broke my heart to see her be so ugly to her family. We’ve all done it, though. We get wound too tight and just snap and lash out at people.

If you find yourself being ugly, feeling indescribably grouchy, or just generally being a hag, you’re probably trying to do too much. Take a step back and chill out. This is your vacation. It seems like it’s high stakes because it’s Disney and you spent a lot of money and you’re tired, but it’s just a vacation. If you’re wound too tight, it’ll suck. Your family wants to remember that time you all got soaked in the rain and then rode Splash Mountain and got soaked again, not the time you wigged out on Grandpa at the bus stop. Give yourself some grace and be nice.

 

Take Advantage of Playgrounds – Kids implode if they don’t get unstructured playtime. It’s a fact. So take advantage of the awesome playgrounds on Disney property. I promise you won’t be “missing out” on anything by taking some time for free play (see above).

Most resorts have at least one small playground and several pools. The “Honey I Shrunk the Kids” playground at Hollywood Studios is awesome, as is the Boneyard in Dinoland at Animal Kingdom (it was actually closed when we visited, but I do know that it’s been renovated and is amazing). I’ve overheard people in the parks telling their kids that “you can slide at home,” and while that may be true, these playgrounds are way better than the one that’s down the street from your house.

Things to know: These playgrounds are big, y’all. Like, I sort of got nervous that I’d lose a kid in the “Honey I Shrunk the Kids” one because it’s all tunnels and climbing webs and there’s just one of me and four zillion kids, so try to plan this when you’ll have an extra set of hands. Know that children are never allowed to exit the playground area without an adult; there are cast members at the exits to ensure this, so that’s good. My observations were that a 5 or 6 year old would probably be completely fine on their own in these playgrounds. Lily (3) was cool to hang with Maggie, but that was contingent upon Maggie slowing down for her. Vin followed Ev (2) around, and they handled the thing just fine (says the woman who didn’t have to bear crawl through tunnels).

 

Split Up – If you’re traveling with little guys, odds are you’re not all going to be able or want to do the same things for the entire trip. That’s okay. Really. We ended up splitting up quite a bit of the time. Now, we have a bit of an unfair advantage at Disney because we know the parks like the back of our hands, having worked there. You can just study up on some maps and be cool, I bet. Either way, we had a great time with Vin taking kids to do bigger or scarier rides while I hung onto the guys who either weren’t tall enough or were scared or otherwise uninterested. This basically means that everybody gets to do fun stuff at the same time without feeling like they’re being held back. While Vin and Maggie waited for Tower of Terror, the little guys and I saw Voyage of the Little Mermaid (during which Ev fell asleep and I ended up carrying him out while wearing Remy and herding Lil…I get a Mama Merit Badge for that one!), changed diapers, and saw some characters. While the big guys did Mine Train, we met Merida, rode the Teacups, and did Small World. Split up and everybody wins.

 

Don’t forget that you can get Rider Switch passes that allow one parent to wait with smaller kids and then go through the fastpass entrance and ride when the other parent returns. Easy peasy.

 

Breastfeed During Shows – If you’ve got a baby like mine, nursing under a cover is basically like trying to feed a greased squid under a tarp. Also, Florida is hot and humid. So basically, as far as nursing covers go, ain’t nobody got time for that. Here’s my perfect solution for you. Get yourself to Voyage of the Little Mermaid or Country Bear Jamboree or whatever show you’d like and just nurse the baby in there. I’ve gotten really good at nursing modestly without a cover, but the extra privacy of sitting in an actual chair in the relative darkness is pretty great. Obviously, this won’t work every single time your baby needs to eat, but when you can time it right, nursing during a show is gold.

 

Bring Extra Shoes and Socks  – It rains in Florida. A lot. So my advice to you is to take a pair of athletic shoes for everyone (with extra socks) and also to bring along some waterproof shoes. We’re a Croc family. Crocs are especially good in the parks because they won’t fall off as easily as flip flops and they dry a lot faster than most other sandals.

 

Maybe Skip Epcot – I love Epcot as much as the next guy. I worked there for a while and absolutely adored my time there. However, if you’re traveling with preschoolers, I’d advise you to think about skipping it or maybe just doing a half-day there. Lily’s face in the photo below is basically how we all felt at the end of the day.

 

There are a few things of interest to the preschool set at Epcot (The Seas, Journey into Imagination, Test Track if they’re tall enough), but there wasn’t enough to hold our kids’ interest for an entire day. We went early for Extra Magic Hours thinking we’d show them around the World Showcase…but that was closed. Sad trombone. There are some cool characters at Epcot (like Baymax and Mary Poppins) but the lines were consistently long and our little guys just didn’t have the patience for it. So, yes I love Epcot, but no I don’t love Epcot with preschoolers and toddlers. Spend another day at Magic Kingdom and be happy that you did.

So, there’s some insight into how we did Disney with the babes. Thoughts? What did I forget?? Hit me up in the comments!

xoxo,
Mary Susan

Liturgical Living – St. Patrick’s Day!

7 Mar

While we try to celebrate at least one liturgical feast every month, I must confess that we kind of fell off the wagon after the Christmas season.

 

But, St. Patrick’s day is coming! We come from some green blood on both sides of our family, so I’ve always loved St. Patrick’s day. I love it even more now that I’m Catholic. There’s such rich heritage that comes from St. Patrick, so I’m excited to jump in and celebrate his feast right this year. (I will refrain from harping about mainstream St. Pat’s celebrating except to say, ugh.)

 

Here’s a link to my St. Patrick’s Day board on PinterestI’ve gathered a few good ideas there, but I think I’m going to focus on keeping it simple. The feast of St. Patrick falls close to the day we’re celebrating Mag’s birthday this year, so I’ll be doing some serious party prep and I don’t want to overwhelm myself.

 

I also want to focus a lot on the story of St. Patrick, his ministry, and the culture of Ireland. So, in the days leading up to St. Pat’s, we’ll be learning the Prayer of St. Patrick…

Prayer of St. Patrick

Christ be with me.

Christ within me.

Christ behind me.

Christ before me.

Christ beside me.

Christ to comfort and restore me.

Christ beneath me.

Christ above me.

Christ in quiet and in danger.

Christ in hearts of all who love me.

Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

 

The kids have already memorized a few prayers, so this is a great and fairly simple one to add to our arsenal.

 

We’ll also be hunting down some books on St. Patrick. I’m thinking specifically the Tomie DePaola book, but we’ll see what the library has.

 

I’m also planning to do this Trinity Shamrock craft.

 

As far as Irish culture goes, we stumbled upon Song of the Sea, a fantastic and gorgeous movie that is based on many old and lesser known Irish legends. It specifically deals with selkies, which are some of my all-time favorite creatures, so I was bound to be in love. (Growing up, we actually had a Great Pyrenees puppy that we named Selkie because she looked so much like a baby seal. Best dog ever.) The movie is directed by Tomm Moore who also made The Secret of Kellswhich I also loved. I thought Song of the Sea was just as lovely as Kells and a lot less scary for my kids. I did have to do a lot of explaining, but they loved it so much that we watched it again immediately after we finished it the first time. There are so many good lessons to take away from this film…it deals deeply with sibling relationships, the value of both positive and negative emotions, the power of bravery and love. I could go on and on and I’m pretty sure I’ll be thinking about this movie for weeks to come.

Common Sense Media has a good list of other Irish movies that might get you in the St. Patrick’s day spirit.

 

Other than that, I think I’ll be playing the Celtic station on Pandora and probably watching Riverdance. Sorry, not sorry, I have always loved the cheesy charm of Michael Flatley.

Lord of the dance, indeed!

 

 

What are your plans to celebrate St. Patrick? Let me know in the comments…especially if you’ve got a good recipe for Irish soda bread! I try a new one every year and haven’t settled on a winner.

 

xoxo,

Mary Susan

On Bodies

22 Feb

I knew it would happen sooner or later. Kids are curious and vocal, so I can’t say I was super surprised by the question my five-year-old posed to another mom after story time.

 

“Do you have a baby in your belly?”

 

Shit.

 

She clearly didn’t. I mean, she was wearing an empire waist dress, but she was obviously not pregnant. Also, we’ve got a hard and fast rule about saving your questions/comments about other people’s bodies until we’re in a private place.

 

The mom (a new and wonderful friend even after the comment, thank goodness) brushed it off with a self deprecating comment about how her belly was just “big” – she’s got a body I totally envy, by the way – and we got on with our conversation. It really wasn’t a big deal, except it was. It is a big deal.

 

Body image is a huge deal to me, something I desperately want to get right with my kids. I know without a shadow of a doubt that these little souls in my care are completely and utterly beloved by their Creator. I believe that more than I believe almost anything else in the whole world. They are glorious creatures and I will fight to the death for them to know that and hold it as truth deep within themselves.

 

I feel like I’m in a losing fight, though. I mean, I’m just one person and these sweet babies are living in a broken world, a twisted system that has been screaming the opposite from the moment they were born. My five-year-old girl has already been so inundated with labels, and appearance, and the importance of prettiness…it’s second nature to her and to me, too, if I’m honest.

 

I also feel like I’m up against a ticking clock. Right now, these kids take my word for Gospel. But that window is rapidly closing and we all know the day will come when my opinion won’t count half as much as the opinions of their peers. And I get that it’s just the way it goes.

 

I’m also very aware of politeness. I mean, it’s generally pretty rude to make comments about people’s appearance. And the Southerner in me is horrified by the thought of having impolite children.

 

But, after the episode at the library, I couldn’t bring myself to chastise my daughter because I really didn’t feel that she’d done anything wrong. I refuse to squelch her curiosity and I felt like the whole thing was more of an issue of tact than anything else. Honestly, I had no idea how to broach the subject with her.

 

Because the whole damn thing is a catch 22, isn’t it? At our house we believe that all humans deserve dignity and respect because they are creations of God. We believe that all bodies are worthy of respect…big, fat, tall, skinny, whatever. Those are descriptors. All bodies are valuable and, because of that value, they are beautiful. But we also believe that words have power. So, even though I know the word “fat” is just a descriptor, and even though I know that  am fat and most days I’m okay with that because the word “fat” in no way negates my value as a human, I also know we’re functioning in a broken system. I can’t very well teach my kids that words like “fat” are just descriptors and send them out to the playground. The first time they describe someone as “fat,” they’ll be accused of being mean and that’ll leave them so confused and hurt.

 

So what do I do? How do I teach my daughter to love her body and to recognize all bodies as valuable and worthy of love in a world that won’t play ball?

 

I stewed over this for weeks and finally called my best friend who gave me some good advice, ’cause that’s what brilliant best friends do. Acknowledging the weird double-standard of the situation, we agreed that my aforementioned rule of “don’t talk about people’s bodies until we’re in a private place,” should stand. And then she suggested that I give the kids some options. And it’s brilliant. In my experience, children respond better to alternatives than to just being told to say or do nothing. Teaching kids methods of self soothing as an alternative to violent outbursts is far more successful than just telling them not to get mad, for example. Also, I don’t like the idea of children internalizing things and not being allowed to ask questions. We need more question askers in my opinion.

 

So, instead of saying, “Is there a baby in your belly?” my daughter can say, “I love the happy colors in your dress,” and then feel free to ask me about the baby thing when we’re one-on-one.When I discussed it later with the kids, it went a little something like this,

We know that it doesn’t matter what you look like, a person’s heart is what makes them beautiful. But not everybody knows that. Sometimes people believe that you have to look a certain way to be beautiful or people sometimes think that there’s something wrong with their bodies. And it seems kind of silly to us because we know that that’s not true, but those people are confused and it makes them sad to talk about their bodies. We always want people to feel loved when they’re with us, so we don’t talk about things that might make them sad or hurt their feelings.  If you have a question about someone’s body or how they look, that’s totally fine, but wait until we’re alone and then you can ask me about it without being rude.

 

And then I gave them some options of what to say instead.

“I love the way your eyes look when you smile.”

“I like your purple shirt; that’s one of my favorite colors!”

“You look really strong/happy/joyful/healthy today.

“I really like playing with you; you’ve got great dance moves.”

I also think it’s important to consider how to compliment and comment on the person rather than just their appearance.There was a fantastic article by Sarah Powers in the Washington Post on how to compliment little girls that addresses this really, really well. Haley over at Carrots for Michaelmas also has a good post on how to nurture a positive self-image in our girls.

While I certainly haven’t solved the world’s body image issues here, I think I’ve found a solution that will work for our family. We’ve practiced what we might say in certain social situations, but I’m not naive enough to believe that there won’t be more awkward gaffes in our future. And that’s cool because that’s how we learn. Ultimately I just want to raise some decent humans who make other humans feel decent, too.

What are your thoughts on teaching young kids about body image and respecting others? How would you have handled the situation? Lemme know!

xoxo,

Mary Susan

Things They Don’t Tell You

18 Feb

The other day, my dear friend Amy and her family were over for dinner. They’ve got three kids who fit right in between the ages of ours and our oldest girls are besties. We love getting together because we can just manhandle the craziness and the more the merrier and everybody loves chaos and sometimes we drink. Also, my sister-in-law happened to be over that night as well.

 

So, house full of people is what I’m saying.

 

Y’all, it was so fun. Because I’m a secret communist or because I’m dedicated to dorm life or something, we’ve got all the kids’ beds in one room leaving the extra bedroom as a dressing/play room and it. is. awesome. All the kids played semi-nicely upstairs. The grown-ups had real conversations and we ate pizza and it was great.

 

Until we heard a little voice yell, “Jovi just threw up!”

 

And, sure enough, she did. Poor kid stood right at the top of the stairs and just yakked straight down ’em. To say it was epic would not do it justice. It was a masterpiece.

 

And as Amy and I were cleaning vomit off of every stair in my house, she looked at me and said, “You know, you think you’re going to have this little baby and it’ll be so snuggly and sweet… But nobody tells you that your baby is going to turn five and throw up down the stairs at your friend’s house.”

 

And we both laughed like maniacs because it’s totally true. And also, when you’re cleaning puke, you might as well laugh ’cause what choice do you have?

 

The good news is, my stairs got cleaned for the first time since I’ve lived in this house. So, that’s a thing.

 


 

And I’ve been thinking a lot about the things they don’t tell you…

 

Like, nobody tells you about how little boys grab their junk from day one. That happens, guys, it’s weird.

 

And nobody tells you that someday you’ll be struggling to teach your daughter how to squat and pee because the dang bathroom at the park is locked. And wow, is it hard to teach someone how to squat to pee. It does not come naturally, unlike junk grabbing, apparently.

 

When they hand you your darling baby boy and tell you to take him home from the hospital, nobody tells you that someday (presumably after you’ve boasted to the internet that he’s knocking potty training out of the park) he’ll alert you to the fact that he’s pooped his pants…right as you’re changing the baby’s diaper. You won’t think this is that big of a deal until you see said poop running down his leg and onto your couch (damn you to hell, Burger King nuggets). They don’t tell you that this will happen when you have a friend over.

 

But here’s the thing. When they hand you that baby and they tell you he’s yours, they also don’t tell you that you’re in the club now. You’re part of the larger fraternity of parenthood and we are tight-knit bunch. They don’t tell you that, if you play your cards right, you’ll be able to seek out some like-minded compatriots who will be there for all the other stuff they don’t tell you about.

 

So, sure. They don’t tell you that your kid is going to puke in public or poop on the couch when you have company…but they also don’t tell you that you’ll have somebody to commiserate. If you’re lucky, you’ll have someone right there with you, elbow deep in vomit. You’ll have a buddy who brings you coffee and then cleans poop off of your couch unasked while you scrub your kid upstairs. You’ll have someone you can text at 3 am to ask how to get horrifying stains out of microfiber or to message about how comfort nursing is making your skin crawl. They don’t tell you you’ll have brothers in arms, but you will. You totally will.

 

Which is good, because they also don’t tell you that while you let the Mad Pooper soak in the tub so you can run to check on the couch, he’ll poop in there, too. When you discover that monstrosity, the little guy will say, “Look, Mama! I made you coffee!”

Potty TRAINing

3 Feb

Allow me to set the scene:

Interior – Day – Chez Delagrange – Everett sits enthroned upon his Thomas Potty. (See Fig. 1)

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Fig. 1 – The Thomas Potty exactly as seen in Chez Delagrange…only my floor’s not that clean. Obvs.

 

The potty plays the melodic notes of the Thomas theme song and ends with the tell-tale “chugga-choo-shhhh” sound that can only mean one thing – The “train” has left the “station.”

All around the boy there is great rejoicing…much like this:

 

We’re potty TRAINing, y’all. (See what I did there? I had to or my dad would have and then he’d think he was real clever and we can’t have that.)

 

A few words on the Thomas Potty…Ev got it as a Christmas gift and was genuinely so pumped about it that he couldn’t even handle it. This thing has magical sensors in it so when a liquid (or presumably a solid) hits it, it plays music and makes train sounds. If that doesn’t pump your pistons, I don’t know what will.

 

The only down side I can see to the Thomas Potty is that your average two-year-old can easily figure out how to take it apart and make it sing without peeing in it. You can say a lot of things about a two-year-old, but if you need a button to be pushed (literal or figurative) they’re pretty much your best bet. Unfortunately, the button on the Thomas Potty is on the bottom, which requires said two-year-old to turn it completely upside down, something that I sort of expect to backfire on my aaaaaaaannny minute now…

 

And, because motherhood is basically an eternal experiment in “Things I Never Thought I’d Say,” or because I know you’ve just been wishing that you could experience this craziness firsthand, but haven’t called because you’re not sure if you really want to experience this crazy firsthand, here are a few of the phrases I’ve been recently repeating over and over…and over.

  • “Do NOT put your broccoli on your potty!”
  • “Dude, if you keep moving your potty around you’re going to forget where you put it and nobody needs that!”
  • “Guys, mind your own business! You really don’t need to see his pee.”
  • “I know you’re trying to help, but let’s just let Mommy be the one to empty the potty.”
  • “Drop. The. Potty. I said put it down!!”

 

Also, people have already asked about how we potty train and how the boy vs girl thing is going, here’s my two cents on that:

I am a hard and fast and firm believer that this is not a race. I do not know any 30 year olds who wear diapers to work. If your kid is toilet trained at 16 months old, cool! If your kid is toilet trained at 4, sweet! It will happen when your child is ready. I repeat: this. is. not. a. race. Follow your kid’s lead and you’ll be golden…probably literally.

Also, my friend Alisha just told me that her dentist’s wife potty trained their 9 month old. And we both basically said a big hell naw to that. I mean, if that’s your jam, it’s cool I guess. But I’m lazy and diapering a baby or even a toddler is a lot less work, at least for a while. You can slap a diaper on a kid or at least have stuff contained, right? Few things will prepare you for venturing out in the world with a newly toilet trained kid. You’re on their terms now and heaven help you if you dare to call their bluff or wait a moment too long. All I’m saying is, once you potty train, you’re signing up for the “Tour of Every Bathroom in America” whether you’ve got places to be or not. So, take your time. It’s not a race.

 

I am also a hard and fast believer in the “Naked Weekend” brand of potty training. I’m also realistic and know that it takes longer than a weekend. Regardless, I’ve had the most success with hunkering down for as long as possible with a pantless kid and a potty you can move from room to room with you. Also, you have to do a potty dance that is so explosively celebratory you can’t even handle your own face. That’s part of the fun. For more information on this brand ‘o training, check out Kendra’s post on it over at Catholic All Year. (I have an unprofessed blog crush on Kendra…her family just bought a 10 bedroom mansion built in the 20’s and they’re remodeling it and I’m obsessed and creepy and not sorry.)

 

As for the boy vs girl thing…it’s totally not a thing. I’ll admit, I was initially intimidated by potty training a boy, probably because of some societal tendency to deify the penis or just the fact that I don’t have one, so I’m sorta clueless. Here’s the deal: he’s got a while to figure it all out. The main goal here is to get the waste into the proper receptacle. Everything after that will come with time. So the thing’s not a thing. I’m potty training him just like the girls and he’s knocking it out of the park.

 

He’s knocking it out of the park so much, in fact, that I basically never have to remind him to pee. Like last night he was (ill-advisedly) naked and on the loose downstairs while I got the girls out of the tub. He ran back upstairs yelling, “Mama, I peeeeeeeeeeed!!!” at which point I panicked. I asked where he went to the bathroom and the only response I got was, “Don’t worry about it, Mama. I show you.”  Umm…doesn’t really inspire much confidence. So I followed him downstairs and he lead me to the Thomas Potty and yelled, “Aaaaa-priiiise!! In the potty!! Ta da!!!” And sure enough, in the potty it was. Praise God from whom all blessings flow…and I do mean all blessings.

 

And Scene.

 

 

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